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By M.J. Darnell

So, Zo... that kidney thing... is it contagious?

Perhaps it's silly to ask what's wrong with a team that's only one game out of the division lead, but consider that we're talking about the Atlantic Division, where if you aren't at the top, you can be pretty sure that you suck, and you might suck even if you are at the top.

The New Jersey Nets are under .500, and yes, just one game behind division-leading Philadelphia, but they aren't the team they were a year ago. They have a shooting percentage of .413, ahead of only the Heat, the Magic, the Spurs, the Raptors, and the Nuggets. They are next to last in the league in rebounds. How is a team with Kenyon Martin, Alonzo Mourning, Aaron Williams, and Jason Collins 28th in the league in rebounding? That would be like a team with Ron Artest and Rasheed Wallace finishing last in technical fouls.

Byron Scott is clueless about the reasons for the Nets slow start. "We're not doing all the things that we're capable of doing. I don't know if that's because we're taking it for granted. I don't know if it's complacency, effort, energy," he said.

Now would probably be a good time to try and figure that out, because if the Nets can't rebound, the Nets can't run, and if the Nets can't run, the Nets can't win, because they damn sure can't shoot the ball.

Ya think we could go a day or two without embarrassing the people of Portland? Just once?

Bonzi Wells went off again, getting in Maurice Cheeks' grill, screaming and cursing at him after being taken out of a game on Monday. He made his way to the bench and continued his verbal assault on his head coach until Cheeks got up and went over and said something to him, hopefully something like, "I don't like you. Enjoy the bench. You're never leaving it. Dick."

Sheed also popped off a bit recently, and although it's like the 827th worst thing he's done in his NBA career, it's still worth noting. Someone asked him about trade rumors, and Sheed being Sheed, had a colorful little quote.

"I don't give a (expletive) about no trade rumors," he said. "As long as somebody CTC, at the end of the day I'm with them."

CTC, of course, standing for "Cuts The Check." Yeah, that's the kind of dedication you love to see from your players. Sheed has got to be the most ill-tempered marijuana smoker ever.

I'm not the kind of fan who won't tolerate a little herb-smoking or the occasional outburst. In fact, some of my favorite players of all time have been prone to such things. But Trailblazers fans have had a monopoly on them for far too long. It's time to spread the wealth.

If Blazers GM John Nash spent the weekend working out a deal, any deal, to get rid of Bonzi Wells and Rasheed Wallace, the city of Portland would immediately declare the next day "John Nash Day," hand him a key to the city, and give him a standing O at the next Blazers game. A trade isn't even necessary. Release them if you have to. The people of Portland deserve it.

Forget about CTC, and do what needs to be done. CTAPWTWBS. Cut The Angry Pothead With The Weird Bald Spot.

Someone's going to need some extra baggy shorts

Alcoholism.
A swift and drastic decline in skills.
Worst year of his career.
Overwhelming public ridicule.
Suspension.
Rock bottom.
Rehab.
Re-dedication.
15 points and 7 boards a game.
Best year since '99-2000.

Vin Baker has a huge set.

The strength it must have taken to go through all that isn't something I'm familiar with, so there's no point in me commentating on it, other than to acknowledge that the man just has a giant set of balls. That's all there is to it.

If the Celtics are going anywhere this year, it's going to be largely because of the resurgence of Baker, who's second on the team in scoring and first in rebounding. What an absolutely amazing turnaround.

Hip-hop reference of the week

From Murphy Lee's Don't Blow It:

I hang where the best be, never been on jet skis Been to D.C. and L.A. like Tyrone Nesby

Tyrone Nesby?

T-Nes started his career with the Clippers, then spent a year with the Wizards, went back to the Clippers, and then back to the Wizards, so yes, he's certainly been to D.C. and L.A.

Wow. Tyrone Nesby. Major props to Murphy Lee for what has to be the best ever hip-hop reference to someone who averaged single-digit scoring for his career.

Rookie of the Year: The Race for Third Place

Barring major injuries to LeBron or Carmelo (perhaps you've heard of them), the truly interesting rookie race is for third.

Right now, the clear leader is Jarvis Hayes in Washington. Through nine games, he's averaging 14.4 points and 5.2 boards in just over 38 minutes.

Chris Bosh has also been coming on strong. As his minutes have gone up, so has his production, including a 25-point night Sunday against the Rockets.

The most baffling candidate has got to be Udonis Haslem of the Heat, who saw the entire draft go by without his name being called. Not to take anything away from the man (averaging over 9 points and 8 boards, including a 20 & 12 game), but the best thing he's got going for him is the team he's on. Not because they're good, but because he's competing for minutes with guys like Samaki Walker, John Wallace, and Loren Woods. I'd take a pre-rehab Vin Baker over most of those guys.

Not an all-time NBA great, but certainly a very proficient baller

You may remember him best as a San Antonio Spur, but there are 7 women across the country who remember him better as "my baby-daddy."

Willie Anderson is losing a huge chunk of money as a result of having fathered at least nine children by seven different women, topping the former record-holder, Shawn Kemp, who went for a career 7 and 6. That's children and wives, respectively, but is also remarkably close to Kemp's points and rebounds per game last year with the Magic.

Willie had a 10-year deferred contract for $1.75 mil, and recently found out that he would be losing most of it to the IRS and a few women who filed child support claims against him.

Meanwhile, Charlie Ward spent some time this week discussing the NBA's infidelity and promiscuity problems. He's fighting an uphill battle, but more power to him. He stares down teammates when he seems them in hotel lobbies with women who aren't their wives.

"Women are all over the place," Ward told Frank Isola of the New York Daily News. "When you have money, women are attracted to that. Whether you have a high-powered job, a CEO, Wall Street, politician, it doesn't matter. That's what people are attracted to."

Keith Van Horn agreed that there are plenty of opportunities for NBA players to get some nay-nay on the side, and I think we can all agree that when Keith Van Horn is able to pull ass at will, we, as society, have a problem.

"Society has it all backwards," Ward said. "Sex sells. Nudity sells. There is profanity all the time on television. But when a brother wants to spread the word of the Lord he is sometimes looked down upon."

Can we find a way to get this man in a Blazers uniform?

The Oak Update

Charles Oakley talked to Jodie Valade of the Cleveland Plain Dealer this week about his desire to get back in the game, his plans for the future if that doesn't happen, and some other things around the league. Here's what fell off the Oak Tree:

What's wrong with the NBA: "I've seen the league go from hard hats to miniskirts. They're wearing dresses now. The game ain't the same no more. I think the whole league's getting too relaxed. It's all about hype. It's just like summer league or something; who can score the most points, who can get the most dunks, who can go behind the back."

On a possible coaching career: "TV would probably last longer, but I'd take the coaching. At least if they do fire me, I'd get the team in order. I'd run a tight ship. I would dare some of these players to challenge me like some of the players challenge coaches today."

On a possible career as a TV analyst: "I can expose every coach's weakness. They'd be mad at me."

On LeBron: "Guys on his team need to realize, where he goes, the Cavs go. People come out to see him. He's the best thing since my man Funny Cide."

Funny Cide is a horse, incidentally.

On trying to get back into the game: "You got teams in the NBA that are not trying to win. They don't know how to put together a team. You can't compete with five guys who need the ball. You need someone to do the little things. I'm not saying I'm a great player. But I could fill a role. I'd love to sign with someone."

Charles Oakley needs to be involved with the NBA in some capacity. He needs to be on my television. I'd implore ESPN to hire him if I didn't think they'd do everything in their power to remove all things about him that may be entertaining or insightful, but there's not room for him on TNT. ESPN's just got to make it happen. Fire everyone else. If the pre-game, halftime, and post-game shows were just Charles Oakley and a camera, EPSN's NBA coverage would improve dramatically.

- M.J. Darnell, www.themightymjd.com